I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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