Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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