is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
