dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
