mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
