Your face is a jimmy john
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
