I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize