i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Randomize
