She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
