just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
