That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
