I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
