I will die if light touches me.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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