I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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