Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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