we have pet lesbian snakes
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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