then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
