Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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