I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Randomize
