come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
