The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
