Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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