I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
