when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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