He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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