He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
