The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
