he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
