Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
