I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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