New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
