I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
they're like a gay fantastic four
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
