I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
