you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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