omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
