Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
