I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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