lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
