It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize