And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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