What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
