He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
