Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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