You're my little dorito
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize