I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
nutella sex= disaster
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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