textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
