Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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