final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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