I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
