i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize