You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
