I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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