I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
