i love accidental penises.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
