I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Randomize
