just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize