he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
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